Telegraph Exclusive: Pope "is Catholic"

In today's Telegraph, religious affairs hack Martin Beckford applies his finely honed journalistic skills to the forthcoming visit by everyone's favourite Hitler Youth Pontiff and shares with his readers this astonishing revelation:

"Potentially the most tense encounter of the four-day visit will be the short meeting between the Holy Father, known for his traditional Roman Catholic views on sexuality and the family, and Miss Harman, the acting Labour leader who was a fierce defender of the rights of minority groups while Equality Minister."

Now, my knowledge of the Vatican's ancient protocols comes largely from watching Angels & Demons on TV after getting home from the pub the other night, but even I could tell you that, as a general rule, you don't need to point out that the leader of the Catholic Church tends to hold Catholic views.

What we really need Beckford to tell is whether Harriet Harman shits in the woods